Chapter 1: Who IS This Person?

Me. The answer to this question is Me. With a capital ‘M’. I’m THIS person. And saying that, I’m THIS person, has taken me a long, long, long, long… long time to say out loud. I amaze myself when I think about how I grew-up seemly paying zero attention to such a major question. Taking zero action on such a major search! I still can’t explain ‘why’ to myself other than to compare one possible answer to the movie, The Way We Were, when Robert Redford’s character, Hubbell Gardiner, wrote his book’s opening lines, “In a way, he was like the country he lived in. Everything came too easily to him, but at least he knew it.”

Looking back, that book passage is also true of me. I was just a normal kid with (what I think was a ) privileged life, and never thought about who I was as a person. It never entered my mind. There was just too much fun to be done! It was easy to take everything for granted. And I did. But unbeknown to me, while I was racing  through my life as a skinny girl sporting a home perm and wearing blue flippy-edged glasses… my ‘Me’ seeds were growing. I know that sounds silly but it’s true. And no matter how old you get I believe everyone’s ‘Me’ seeds are constantly being born.

I have proof!

I’ll always believe that my early ‘Me’ seeds were nurtured by the sugar of a great childhood. Sugar like… ice skating every single weekend after elementary & middle school. And a lot of high school. I skated from Friday afternoon till the last session on Sunday night. Those utterly  carefree memories are about an outside rink circled in multi-colored Christmas lights that was open during any kind of  weather, be it freezing cold, blizzard snow, sleet, wind or picture perfect.

Sugar like… adventurous ‘sea to shining sea’ family summer trips in our 1960-70s Oldsmobile custom vista-cruiser.

Sugar like… special ‘with just Dad’ (gambling junket) trips to Las Vegas to see Sin City’s biggest headliners like The Rat Pack, The Ink Spots, Don Rickles, Siegfried & Roy, Debbie Reynolds, Ann Margret… Elvis, to name a few.

Sugar like… my years of Saturday morning theater classes and singing in plays with a far less than stellar voice but being told I WAS GREAT!

Sugar like… a mom and dad who always stood by me.  Believed in me. Loved me “like a rock,” my mom still says. To this day when I hear the lyrics to the song, “I’ll Stand By You” I smile and think of my parents who taught my sisters, brother and me about love, and showed it by living it. Everyday.

So who IS this person? After seven falling down, face in the mud, rising-up years, it is now SUCH a great and honorable question to stand in front of. I can see so many unnecessary open doors to close. So much ‘self construction’ to blueprint. I’m so appreciative to arrive at the pretty marbled steps… of Me.

Here begins my memoir. My own story about falling ‘broken’ through the back door of divorce hell, and walking with and in grace out the front.

It isn’t so much about being angry anymore as it is about finding myself now. Discovering what survived in me after the flames & loneliness of having loved and lost and being alone… and what didn’t. And having lived through that, what changed in me and what didn’t. I am this person – a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, best friend, woman marine, wife, mom, cheerleader for my family, theater director, author, thinker, listener, sometimes cry-baby – wimp – alarmist – fraidycat… a real person just like you.

And what I know I didn’t lose is my loyalty to everything that makes Love that all inclusively one important thing that matters the most in each of our lives. Thank you God for not letting my foot slip on that rock!

At this writing I (pretty much) have no idea about the behavior of this unfolding memoir. What will become of me and how will I describe my awaiting destiny? Damn, isn’t THAT another great question!

For now (@ 2:42 pm on a snowy Cleveland Tuesday) I put 3 final thoughts in to the Universe:

  1. This girl is EXCITED to fly.
  2. My divorce has purchased my tickets.
  3. I invite you (out there) on my journey.  🙂

-30-