Dad & Me – 1972 – when I graduated from Marine Corps Basis Training – Parris Island, SC

Taking a closer look I can see an enlightenment. I’m thinking it was born from (my finally) realizing that a truly beneficial outcome can and has emerged from a strongly uninvited life happening .

Last week I came to an acceptance within myself.  OK… people fall out of love. Personally, I’ve always ‘humph-ed’ at hearing or reading that phrase! I mean, if you fall out of love, well think about it, had you really loved that person in the first place? To me, Love, is a core thing. A core feeling. Like God is to me, you believe in it. And if you make a commitment to Love, like in marriage, you do whatever is needed to protect it.  Love is THAT powerfully worth it! The energy within Love can create your heaven-on-earth,  or send you straight to hell. It’s just that simple, but definitely NOT just that simple. And I think the true tests of a committed Love are its… “for better or for worse…” parts. Committing to something or someone is a big ‘team’ deal. The other person (or thing) puts their trust in you. Besides giving your heart away, what else could be as big as giving your trusting heart away? I was taught that a commitment requires great protective courage and a root-secure belief.  I was raised to believe it. I still believe it. I’ll always believe it. It’s who I am. It’s how I’m knitted together.

On the other-hand, especially living in today’s world, I also get the ‘people fall out of love‘ thing. At a Christmas party (and yes, with probably a few too many drinks under her belt) a close friend, who is no longer (even) a friend, told me that “… you marry your favorite boyfriend and after kids… divorce… and then marry someone who is closer to who you’ve become…”.  After processing that I almost threw-up! (WHOA!!) Well, the truth is, I’ve seen commitments crumble and now a broken commitment has me picking up my own pieces. It happened to me and THAT makes it a horse of a different color, for sure!

I stand in front of my full length mirror and looking at my aging (but still cute, I think) self I say out loud, “YOU… are divorced!” And although I’ll never be comfortable with it, I’m pleased to report that i’m learning to live as it. I’m divorced and in my 60s. It’s a road I never wanted to travel. I’d told him about this real concern, about my never wanting to be divorced, so so many times before we were married. I said things like… “Listen, if you question any part of us getting married…”; If you get to the point of saying, “I do” and you feel a deep uttering that you really don’t…; If you find yourself not feeling 110% in…; If you really don’t love me…”;  I said it all. I made him think about it often. Before we tied the knot I left him for 2 weeks so he could really ponder his own truth. He never called me once during that time. Yet in the end he ask me “What are you doing for the rest of your life?” It wasn’t the most romantic of proposals but I loved him. I was blind in-love. I felt that core feeling the first night I met him. I was 26 and I had fallen in love for the first time. Plus, he promised my parents he’d love and take care of me. Like, forever and ever. He married me twice. And twice and out loud he committed to our marriage in front of God, family, friends and strangers. In the end, I believed him. I was all in.

My enlightenment is multi-leveled. Bottomline, I’ve learned: I’m greatly saddened because I know my Dad believed him, too. My Dad, the man who committed his life to his marriage, his wife, his kids…  who was careful about raising me, guiding me, teaching me how to be an honest, caring and generous young woman. Who was my encouraging mentor and biggest cheerleader. He also believed him, gave him his blessing and hugged me into a married life with him. I think that if he knew how it all washed-out, my Dad would be disappointed and sad. In him, and also in me.

Bottomline, I’ve learned: What greatly saddens me, and boils me is that if a commitment does end, and both parties have tried to save it each in their own way… for a long time… that its ending should receive kind & honest communication, but above all and certainly, a merciful respect. And it deserves a proper burial attended by its core principals.  So I finally get it . This writing is not about marrying and divorcing the man I love, or that I married the same someone twice and still, after 35 years, I know he never knew me. It’s not so much that my name is now under the ‘Divorced’ column. It’s not even so much that I’m facing my remaining years alone. It’s that after all the witnessing of each-other’s life… the this and that and trying and compromising and laughing and crying and being-there and loving… after 35 years filled with blessings and hardships that we together walked… the man I believed in mindfully concluded ‘us’ with bullying indifference and words spoken so cruelly that I often felt my soul pause, and shudder.

Bottomline, what I’ve learned: What greatly saddens me, boils me, and will ‘be there’ throughout my forever is that I didn’t deserve that kind of ending. For everything I poured into our marriage, and he knows that I did, I didn’t deserve that lousy end. And taking it one step further, about those far-reaching ripples those lousy endings created… we ALL didn’t deserve such a lousy end. I didn’t. ‘J’ didn’t. ‘K’ didn’t. He didn’t, either.   He & I should have known better. In a million ways I’ve told him… I’m sorry. He has never mentioned the word.

Maybe he doesn’t understand the word’s healing powers. For all of us.

Today, I’m more aware of the endless souls, now and throughout time, who don’t and didn’t deserve the lousy shake(s) they got in life. And I read their stories. And I am humbled by their words. And I am grateful to have survived a foundational ruin of my own.

Now… speaking for me but mostly to you… my ‘J’ and my ‘K’… I’m sorry. So sorry it all happen to and in front of you. How very sorry I am to have selfishly dropped-off that painful baggage at your Albatross hatch and Nashville door. Not-good-stuff (we) I gave you to carry during an ugly fall, and maybe still are. BUT YOU TWO… you handled yourselves so well. And through your pain, each in your own way and performed with your individual God-given skills, you found the grace to carefully pick yourself up, and me too. You did that for me.  And I profoundly believe that in the background… you picked-up each other, as well, and will continue to throughout your forevers. That is your gift to each-other, and to me.  As your mom and best friend you’ll ever have… i’m humbled. Forever, thank you.

Every once-in-awhile we (all) need the kind of help  that only love can provide. You stepped-up in courage and instinctively gave it.

Do you realize how distinguishing that human trait is?  You ‘wow’ me!

I believe most everyone is slow in realizing the ruin of a foundational belief, and so I conclude that one’s transformation comes slowly, as well.  Putting together the major puzzle pieces took me longer than I thought. And although I know my picture isn’t done or looks perfect, I fully know I love you both and value your patience. Your personal and professional accomplishments fills me with pride. (My cup runneth over.) As I move forward, don’t ever give up on me.  Just know I’m moving forward and i’m starting to love life, and i’m finding my true self! “It’s a deserving, personally rewarding 2nd chance I am grateful to have.”

In love, on this day, I send my ‘I’m Sorry‘ truth to each of you and into the Universe.

Here’s my visual: A hand-painted sign pitched at various (but not all) locations I once traveled.

It reads:  ROADS NO LONGER PASSIBLE