Five years ago my marriage legally perished

Knowledge grows in dark places

I was fully present during the fallout. On the outside I stood front-and-center as my inner self-esteem drifted dangerously close to an end. I remember convincing myself that the darkness I huddled in could never and would never pass. The loss I was grieving seemed dwarfed  by the painful assaults hurled on my paramount beliefs in truth, trust and love. In the middle of it alI, I was aware of standing in the cross-road of my life – so confused and in such disbelieve that I sometimes thought I would black-out precisely where I was standing. And every day for several years, until I could feel some seeds of strength growing again, I had no doubt that even the smallest of breezes was fully capable of whirling me, and everything I had become, into space… while slowly being vaporizing on the journey.

And ‘why’ all of this unnecessary misery? Because I said to someone that I fell in-love with, believed in… “You’re the one. I pick YOU to share my life with…”. To that one person I committed my heart, trust, and life. Yet somewhere in the middle of a 35-year marriage, and with conscience, he decided to leave. Not physically so much as mentally. Rather than sitting me down in front of two glasses and a full Tequila bottle, for a serious, compassionate, and respectful conversation that would politely and painfully tweak the rest of our lives… instead of being careful to preserve whatever good we could out of such a delicate moment in our marriage… without any prior flagging of a (more) dangerous situation (than I thought)… when his rubber met his road he chose not to flag and not to converse and not to be courageous. He chose indifference. He introduced me to what indifference means. While he was ignoring everything about me, I continued looking for pieces of us to fix. Maybe enough pieces for us to find a way back into our marriage. Boy… I bet that made him laugh a few times. Dumb me! I didn’t even know what indifference looked like. Never was aware of how  destructive a 3-syllable word could be. But it was. Indifference… it’s an ugly nothing that spews lies, revenge, rejection. It takes everything good and leaves you with a pile of bad.

Indifference is a noun. It means: a lack of interest or concern. It’s a word, that if put into action, will make anyone feel… like nothing!

There are millions upon millions of reasons why people divorce. My reason was about knowing I could not, would not survive in indifference.  It’s a bad place for someone who believes in love, like me, to be.  Months after moving back to Cleveland I remember my brother looking around at all the unpacked boxes still stacked in every room throughout my new small townhouse. “Look honey,” he said carefully, “just try to open one box a day. Or week. One a week is just fine.” I looked around… and with some indifference I’d been taught, walked over to him, dropped my head in his chest and said like I was dying… “LF, I honestly, seriously, completely don’t know how to be here.” And I started to cry. Again. It was a “let it be” cry. He recognized the wailing and did what you do when you hear that kind of grief. You just listen and “let it be.” Let the mud continue to drain. Hugs definitely help.

Because I’m facing my Goliath by writing these blogs, this is my truth: Once invited in, indifference spreads like wildfire. It destroys without regard. It’s evil. It’s everything I am not!

Now divorced. Breathing. Happy. Peaceful. Believing in a future love… I continue to lift-up this prayer: That I come to an understanding about… why. Why someone would do that to someone who (they knew) loved them. Even if that person didn’t love the other one back. Because being loved is everything good in life. In this very hard to fine real love, life.

I don’t understand it.  I didn’t deserve it. I could not stay. So I didn’t.

In the end, I waited and found the right door (in time) to open, and while in Israel, sitting on a railroad tie in a party dress, in a dirt parking lot on top of a hill that overlooked the beautiful city lights of Tel Aviv… I walked through that door.

And I picked-up and threw-away a stone that made it to the middle of a near-by road.

And eight tree seeds were gently placed in my right palm.

And with my God on one side and my ‘K’ on the other, we three walked back into the party, I found my ‘J’ and kissed his cheek… and we all took a shot of tequila… and partied.

 

Enough now. Enough.